Robbie risked a tiny glance up at her. Okay, she wasn't yelling, she wasn't looking at him like he was a freak. On the downside, she wasn't looking at him at all. He didn't blame her. He looked away again before she looked up.
There were things he had to say. Important things. But he also couldn't say them and face her at the same time so he turned away from her, his back to her, and pressed himself against the nearby wall, leaning his head against the cold brick, looking as if he wanted to be absorbed into it.
"I heard from Vance that people chased down other New Warriors. That Carlton --" here his voice was filled with hatred because even though it was his own actions that brought hate down on everyone, they wouldn't have found them if Carlton hadn't betrayed them, and he hated him for it "--exposed a bunch of your secret IDs."
He closed his eyes tight, expression pained.
"But he never would've done it in the first place and no one would've gone after you guys if I hadn't brought all that hate down on you all. I'm the one that did that. I ruined some of your lives."
One more group of people hurt among many. Rina was one more friend he'd let down among many. He'd been feeling a little better lately, especially after finding a good psychiatrist and getting on medication that didn't leave him sedated in a padded room not knowing who he even was, but seeing someone he'd hurt yanked him back into a dark place at about a million miles per hour. It made everything that had happened with Miriam Sharpe and Stamford and all those small towns he'd helped fade away so they were lost in the black morass of all the wrong he'd done.
He always felt this way when he faced someone he'd hurt.
There was an ugly little voice in his head sometimes, the one that always chimed up with all the terrible things other people'd said he was.
Babykiller. Murderer. Monster. Scum.
Right now it said, Your fault. You hurt her, you messed up her life and put her in danger because now people know her secret ID and nothing can take it back. She spent all that time trying to save your life when you were just a stranger and all she got back in return was pain. That's all you're good for, hurting people.
"I'm sorry." His voice cracked. "I was the only one that deserved to be hurt but I brought all that down on you. I'm sorry."
He didn't even realize 'I was the only one that deserved to be hurt' was a sick thing to say. He'd internalized too much hatred for himself, still thought it was normal for the rest of the world to think he deserved to suffer. It wasn't always this way -- sometimes he even forgave himself for a little while -- but when he fell face first into the dark places in his head, he went right back to that place of feeling like he deserved suffering.
no subject
There were things he had to say. Important things. But he also couldn't say them and face her at the same time so he turned away from her, his back to her, and pressed himself against the nearby wall, leaning his head against the cold brick, looking as if he wanted to be absorbed into it.
"I heard from Vance that people chased down other New Warriors. That Carlton --" here his voice was filled with hatred because even though it was his own actions that brought hate down on everyone, they wouldn't have found them if Carlton hadn't betrayed them, and he hated him for it "--exposed a bunch of your secret IDs."
He closed his eyes tight, expression pained.
"But he never would've done it in the first place and no one would've gone after you guys if I hadn't brought all that hate down on you all. I'm the one that did that. I ruined some of your lives."
One more group of people hurt among many. Rina was one more friend he'd let down among many. He'd been feeling a little better lately, especially after finding a good psychiatrist and getting on medication that didn't leave him sedated in a padded room not knowing who he even was, but seeing someone he'd hurt yanked him back into a dark place at about a million miles per hour. It made everything that had happened with Miriam Sharpe and Stamford and all those small towns he'd helped fade away so they were lost in the black morass of all the wrong he'd done.
He always felt this way when he faced someone he'd hurt.
There was an ugly little voice in his head sometimes, the one that always chimed up with all the terrible things other people'd said he was.
Babykiller. Murderer. Monster. Scum.
Right now it said, Your fault. You hurt her, you messed up her life and put her in danger because now people know her secret ID and nothing can take it back. She spent all that time trying to save your life when you were just a stranger and all she got back in return was pain. That's all you're good for, hurting people.
"I'm sorry." His voice cracked. "I was the only one that deserved to be hurt but I brought all that down on you. I'm sorry."
He didn't even realize 'I was the only one that deserved to be hurt' was a sick thing to say. He'd internalized too much hatred for himself, still thought it was normal for the rest of the world to think he deserved to suffer. It wasn't always this way -- sometimes he even forgave himself for a little while -- but when he fell face first into the dark places in his head, he went right back to that place of feeling like he deserved suffering.