He finally turned to face her and when he did, a few tears dribbled down from his eyes, silently, and he had to lift his goggles up to wipe them away. Even he couldn't tell if they were because of guilt or quiet relief or some complicated mix of both.
He'd been doing a lot of crying lately. Dr. Kinderman had said it was because of the combination of the medications working and him no longer repressing everything. It was finally safe enough to not be numb and after so long of feeling nothing, sometimes it seemed like he felt everything. And it hurt.
But at the same time it also felt better, finally processing things or feeling whatever he felt and then letting it go. That left room for feeling things that weren't pain. That kept the world in color instead of gray.
He couldn't let himself feel like he wasn't all to blame, not yet, but he tried to accept the fact she didn't blame him. The guilt weakened and ebbed away, and his brain clawed itself out of the pit, and what was left in place of the pain and darkness was fondness.
He managed a tiny smile, even if it was a little weak, and moved towards her slightly, out of old instinct, as if he wanted to hug her, but then his hands curled up and he stopped, hesitating. He was used to most people not really wanting him to touch them now.
"I don't know about any of that, about it not being all my fault. I'm still...working through some stuff." He looked at her gratefully. "But as far as probability goes, I gotta say, the universe tossing me together again with you instead of, say, one of the Great Lakes Avengers? I like them odds. I just wish it was under better circumstances than this."
His tone went a little more glib, the way it used to be, "You know. Like ones with less interdimensional kidnapping. Maybe more riding in spaceships and doing barrel rolls."
He twirled his finger around in a little loop. One of his favorite memories of Rina had been the two of them horsing around in their little ship while waiting to confront Volx, cracking Star Wars jokes and making Garthan Saal flip out at them.
As he stood there, he clenched and unclenched his hands like he was dying to throw his arms around her. Everything about his body language was screaming that he wanted to hug her, wanted to show her how glad he was to see her, wanted to be hugged by a friend.
no subject
He'd been doing a lot of crying lately. Dr. Kinderman had said it was because of the combination of the medications working and him no longer repressing everything. It was finally safe enough to not be numb and after so long of feeling nothing, sometimes it seemed like he felt everything. And it hurt.
But at the same time it also felt better, finally processing things or feeling whatever he felt and then letting it go. That left room for feeling things that weren't pain. That kept the world in color instead of gray.
He couldn't let himself feel like he wasn't all to blame, not yet, but he tried to accept the fact she didn't blame him. The guilt weakened and ebbed away, and his brain clawed itself out of the pit, and what was left in place of the pain and darkness was fondness.
He managed a tiny smile, even if it was a little weak, and moved towards her slightly, out of old instinct, as if he wanted to hug her, but then his hands curled up and he stopped, hesitating. He was used to most people not really wanting him to touch them now.
"I don't know about any of that, about it not being all my fault. I'm still...working through some stuff." He looked at her gratefully. "But as far as probability goes, I gotta say, the universe tossing me together again with you instead of, say, one of the Great Lakes Avengers? I like them odds. I just wish it was under better circumstances than this."
His tone went a little more glib, the way it used to be, "You know. Like ones with less interdimensional kidnapping. Maybe more riding in spaceships and doing barrel rolls."
He twirled his finger around in a little loop. One of his favorite memories of Rina had been the two of them horsing around in their little ship while waiting to confront Volx, cracking Star Wars jokes and making Garthan Saal flip out at them.
As he stood there, he clenched and unclenched his hands like he was dying to throw his arms around her. Everything about his body language was screaming that he wanted to hug her, wanted to show her how glad he was to see her, wanted to be hugged by a friend.