ya_assemble | [LN] [Locked to Mikey and Bunny]

"Master Splinter isn't here," Raph interrupted, shooting Mikey a Look.

Raph's little car veered off the road and into a pit.

What a metaphor.

Edited 2014-11-12 04:43 (UTC)

"More's the pity," Bunny drawled from the back of the room where he leaned in the door frame, arms crossed.

He locked eyes with Raph. "I have to talk to you."

Raph's tone, overlapped by Bunny's tone, made Mikey come to a decision real quick.

"Wow, uh, boy, is it break time already?"

He put his game controller down - slowly.

"Think I'll just, uh - go get some soda. Yeah. You guys want anything? Orange? Grape? No? I'll just get a range."

And he skedaddled, ninja-fast.

Raph just rolled his eyes and stopped the race to set it on single player mode. Even if he had to endure a lecture, he clearly intended to not look Bunny in the eyes during it.

He kept playing, his button-mashing just a little more aggressive than warranted.

"There's nothing to talk about. It worked out fine but if you want me to be ridiculously over-cautious, I won't go out alone next time - even if I can handle something that easy. Problem solved."

"Oh, well, in that case, guess I'll just hop on back home now that we've sorted that out."

Bunny used the lack of eye contact as time to roll his eyes too.

"Yep, you can just hop on back down the bunny-trail, m'kay?"

Lecture over. Games now. Go away.

"Look, if telling yourself that not going out alone is just to appease my sense of over-caution, whatever gets you to look before you leap."

There's no way it's that easy though. Absolutely no way.

"Meanwhile, out here in the real world, your pride isn't the most important thing on everyone's minds. That's what this is about, isn't it?"

Yep, slamming those buttons extra hard was the way you were supposed to play video games. Sometimes controllers got broken. It happened.

It was close to happening now.

"It's not about my pride."

It really wasn't, but he wasn't about to admit it was more about overcoming terror and feeling insecure about taking his brother out there after what happened. That would've meant having to admit he'd been scared and that he was being overprotective.

"No? Then what? Just for the sake of adventure? Because if it is, believe it or not, I've been there. I know how that can call you out of your senses, especially when you've got a bunch of elders telling you not to do it."

If Raph started reminding him too much of himself he really didn't even know HOW he was going to argue him down from that. It wasn't like he was alive today because he played it safe and listened to his elders.

He tried to soften his tone as he focused again on the pride angle.

"But you're also good, best I've seen at your age, and I'm guessing you're not used to getting caught in that much danger. Tell me if I'm wrong."

No doubt Raph would.

Edited 2014-11-12 06:16 (UTC)

There it was. Bunny would be able to tell from his outburst.

"We deal with that much danger all the time," he said, jutting out what passed for a turtle chin at the rabbit. "The only reason they got the drop on us was because we didn't know what was going on or what kinda powers we had or anything! It's not gonna happen again - next time I'll be ready for them."

Next time they wouldn't even have a chance to hurt him and his brother. He could take them now that he knew everything that was going down.

He wasn't afraid and him going out proved he'd be able to brave it out even though what had happened had been so damn terrifying.

Edited 2014-11-12 06:18 (UTC)

He wants to say "no you don't," but from what he knows, they DO deal with danger frequently. Just maybe not on the vivisection scale.

Instead he says, "But why risk it? Who says YOU have to be ready, alone? Because Jack and I sure aren't. Nico and the twins aren't. Your brother said the exact opposite. We all heard it, more than once."

This is going to go into a very dark, sad place for him, soon, but it needs to go there for Raph to get his priorities in order.

"You have a brother who wants to keep you safe, as much as you wanna keep him safe. Trust me." He breathed deep, in and out. "Your brother's a lot more important than your pride."

At that, Raph lost his temper and threw his controller at Bunny, his little car going over a cliff on screen.

"Did I stutter? I told you, it's not about my pride!"

It wasn't. It was about a whole host of other things, things he'd still been working through when he'd been pulled to this place.

Bunny caught it at the absolute last minute without even a flinch.

"Y'know, I've been throwing weapons before your country existed. The space of time in which your country DID not exist that I was throwing weapons around is longer than the space of time your country HAS existed."

If it wasn't about his pride, then he could take a little jab to it, surely.

"You'd have to be Jack to get one past me."

He flipped the controller back to Raph.

"So if it's not about your pride, what IS it about?"

Raph caught it with fast reflexes in turn, ninja ones honed by fifteen years of training and amplified by myth powers.

"That would be my business, something uniquely categorized by the fact it's not anybody else's."

Like hell was he blabbing his feelings to some stranger, talking about his fear and wanting to feel strong and fearless enough to keep other people safe. That would have involved admitting he had fear and maybe talking about the people he hadn't managed to keep safe.

Edited 2014-11-12 07:12 (UTC)

"Nah. When you go putting you life on the line like that for no good reason, it's your brother's business. I didn't hear you listening to him, though."

So there he was. And there was truth in what Raph said, his business was his own, and that extended to the reasons behind his bad decisions, if he didn't want to talk about them. Bunny could keep answering his anger with sarcasm, but all that would do was buy another comment before he had to get sincere, and really, would it do any good? Probably not.

"Look, don't do this to him. You're good, but is it really worth risking getting yourself hurt and your family having to deal with watching you BE hurt to prove that?"

"He wasn't there to watch me be hurt. That was the point. He was here, playing with the elves, catching a break."

Where he deserved to be, at least for a little bit.

"And I was out there, working out what I needed to in my own head. It wasn't about pride, it was about knowing I could still handle it. I had a snowglobe if I needed to get away, everything went fine, and I figured out what I needed to know, okay?"

He didn't need to go out alone again. He had it all sorted.

"So you got what you need, and now you'll never go out without reasonable backup again. Is that what I should believe, or just what you want me to?"

How was he supposed to trust the kid? Not that Raphael needed Bunny's trust. Bunny was the one who'd never forgive himself if something else happened to Raph because he felt like taking on more than he knew was there to chew on.

Raphael didn't want to feel like he needed to be protected. Bunny knew darn well he couldn't even APPROACH the subject that way with the kid, for all that he claimed pride wasn't a factor.

But that didn't change the fact that if he didn't go home to his brothers and the sensei who'd raised him, ultimately, it would be because Bunny didn't do his job well enough. And his job was as of late so complicated.

He knew too well that the world wasn't as simple as "stay at home and stay safe."

"Control is an illusion," he warned. "Especially here. I don't want you to be afraid but you need to - I need you to know that. And not just stand there telling me what you think I want to hear because you want me to go away. I'm old, but I'm not too old to remember doing that."

"Self-control isn't."

That was what it was about. Fear was strange for him and having felt it that strongly had freaked him out. Having the fear affect him so badly he'd almost killed three people in front of children freaked him out.

He knew the bad myths might have come, knew the fight might've turned more sour than it had, but in his eyes it was better risking it and being sure of himself than being thrown in a fight with other people and letting them down because his head wasn't in the game.

"I know how to fight in a team. I don't always like it but I know how. And I'm not stupid, I know every fight won't go that well. I know that better than most of the people here." He gritted his teeth. "So don't give me that 'control is an illusion' stuff when my dad taught me things like that since before I could even speak full sentences."

He'd been getting stuff like that his whole like.

"Of course control is an illusion. You think I don't know that? You think I magically think everything turns out just fine?!" He threw the controller at the floor so hard it broke. "Real life ain't stories, okay? Things never turn out okay."

Edited 2014-11-13 05:24 (UTC)

"I don't know what you think. I don't know you. All I know is that you could have gotten yourself killed tonight, and I don't know how I would even begin to help your brother through that, because I don't know him either."

Admittedly, Mikey was a little easier to figure out than Raph. He had a lot more that he was considering saying when Raph shattered the toy in a burst of anger and declared that nothing ever turned out all right.

"That's not true."

He stated it without anger, like you'd state the weather. And then didn't offer proof.

He wanted to see where Raph took this road.

He went for it, zooming right down that road without looking back.

"Yeah? Maybe everything is all happy endings here in magical fairy tale land, but back home? We lost New York to aliens, two of my friends lost their families to being mutated into monsters - or they're dead, my brother got beaten half to death and spent three months in a coma, and we watched my dad get killed by one of our enemies without being able to do a thing to stop it."

Raph pointed a finger viciously.

"So don't give me 'control is an illusion' when I was taught it my whole life and I've been living it! Don't give me that nonsense about happy endings! This wasn't about pride or tricking myself into thinking I had things under control, this was making sure after that stupid lab that I could even keep my head in the game because it's been that and Leo and sensei and - and everything. This was about controlling myself and knowing I can rely on myself because if I can do that, everyone else can rely on me, too."

He was breathing heavily now.

"And it was better doing that where Mikey wouldn't see something happen to me or I wouldn't let him down because I lost my nerve, okay? It was better he not see that because when I lose it he gets scared. It was something small, I had an out, it all went down fine, and I don't need to do it like that again, okay? It's a done deal and you need to get off my shell about it!"

Edited 2014-11-13 06:46 (UTC)

Bunny waited patiently through the whole rant, leaning against the wall for the duration. As Raph's story spilled out, his frustration softened. By the time Raph was done, his expression had reached sympathy and held there.

"You've been through a lot," he said, and when he spoke, his voice was much more thoughtful than before. A little distant. "Makes a lotta sense you'd need to get a challenge in for yourself, get your bearings back that way. Even if it was dangerous. But you're right. What's done is done. No sense me harping on it anymore."

He pushed himself off from the wall, almost as if he was leaving, but pausing -

"It IS really ironic, y'know. Me, telling a kid not to go out on his own, not to go looking for trouble. I mean, of all people. My sensei used to tell me the same thing. Said I was going to get myself killed too young. Said I was going to get someone else killed, if I kept dragging the younger pookas out to do the stupid things I did. Baiting lions, stealing from the Aztecs . . ."

He shrugged.

"It was never anything smart. Really, nothing smart at all. I'd always drag my brothers and sisters out of trouble, but y'know, that was the least I had to, draggin' 'em in in the first place . . . I never did get any of them hurt, but you know what, if things had kept on, one day I might've. But what's done is done," he repeated. "Can't change the past. No sense harping on myself for it now."

"Anyway, he wanted me to stay home, where it was safe. Wanted us all to. Forever. Every last one of us - there were hundreds all in the warren together, and I was the only one who just wouldn't do it."

He shrugged.

"If I'd obeyed him, I wouldn't be alive today. But if I'd taken any of my brothers out with me that night, maybe they still would."

He manages to finish in the same calm, even, if distant, tone, but without meeting Raph's eyes.

"You never got to meet Anansi. He's the Guardian of Stories. He'd tell you you're wrong, too - all this world is made up of stories. That doesn't mean they're all happy ones. But I'll tell you - and he'd back me up on this if he was here - the sad part of a story isn't always its end."

He looked back at Raph again, all the anger and frustration drained away. He got it. He got it all too well.

"I'm very sorry about your father."

He never, ever wanted anyone to be able to give him the same sort of genuine, sympathetic understanding.

"If you need to get out and react to it again without your brother - just let me know where you're going first. I won't get in your way."

Because he'd be behind Raph. Far enough behind that even a trained ninja might not notice him, but close enough that he'd know if the kid needed the backup he didn't want.

He turned to go.

Edited 2014-11-13 07:24 (UTC)

Understanding wasn't what he'd been expecting. Not in the least. He wasn't used to it back home because he had a lot of complicated feelings and trouble admitting he had them, and his brothers had come to tease a bit when he let them out.

Only Master Splinter had been good at being understanding and teasing things out of him.

So his voice was less angry as he said, "I didn't drag anyone else into trouble is the thing. That's the point. So you don't have to worry about that, and I don't think I need a next time, but if I do, I'll at least - I'll tell somebody where I'm going in case I need backup."

Without looking at Bunny he settled down in front of the TV again, looking ruefully at the broken controller, and then reaching for another to hook it up so there'd be two working ones when Mikey came back.

"I know better than to let what's going on in my head get other people in trouble. Sensei helped me with that with my anger." His voice tightened slightly, as he said quietly. "'A river over stone' that's what - what he..."

He didn't believe what he said about stories. About the saddest part not being the end. Even if a story didn't end, it was still the saddest part.

"And I'm sorry, too."

His brain couldn't even go there, to the thought of what it might feel like to lose it all. Mostly because if he lost everyone, his brothers, April and Casey, that'd be it for him. He was pretty sure he'd just...not be able to live. It was too dark to think about.

And that was why he was sorry. Surviving something like that was beyond him.

Bunny paused in the doorframe. "You can't drag anyone else into trouble here, because there's already trouble everywhere. Going out alone is the only way left to get yourself in more. And I didn't tell you so you'd be sorry."

He didn't like talking about his mortal life. "Sorry" didn't match what had been done to him, to his loved ones, to the world in the process. People so often said it when they heard, when he'd rather they realize he was trying to prove a point, not receive condolences. Sorry. There would never be enough "sorry" in the world.

And even if there could be, he did not live to make people sorry.

He leaned back in the doorway, staring at the frame opposite him.

"I told you because you need to know this isn't magical-happy-ending-land. Horror isn't a fresh import around these parts. It was here before you were. It was here before I was the only one of what I am."

He gestured around the Pole. "If everything you've seen here looks child-friendly, it's because we've been fighting for centuries to make it as close to that as possible. And we don't always succeed."

He hated saying so out loud, but it was true. There was always the hope of a far-flung future where they weren't needed, where the children had plenty of hope and wonder without them, but until then, they had work to do that didn't include believing their might infallible. And Raph's near-vivisection was proof of it, anyway.

"And now, not only do we have all the threats that kept us busy before, we have all the threats from all the possible worlds to consider. Including all of yours."

And four less Guardians to fight them. He wasn't going to go into the new guardians, and how they stacked up in comparison to the old ones. There just wasn't a comparison. A skilled 16 year old kid might stand in as a hero, but he wasn't a Guardian. Not really. There was no substitute for that much experience. Or that much dedication to the cause.

"And I told you because I want you to remember that you have a family to stay alive for. You have a family to compromise for. They make telling someone you're not sure of yourself braver than risking your skin to find out if you're all right. That's such a precious thing."

He was not happy to give an angry, impulsive kid he barely knew insight into his personal sorrows, but sometimes being a Guardian meant hurting, and sometimes that meant taking off your armor and baring scars that still hurt. A kid could be the sort of person to reach out and dig their claws into a vulnerability when they saw it, but being a Guardian meant letting them if that was what they had to do.

"I told you, not because I think you don't think about that already. But because I want you to think about it more. Ideally, every time you're thinking about going out into all that without someone to watch your back. I don't want you to be scared, or blindly obedient. I want to know that you understand the risk."

From Kuk, and to his family.

"I get it already! Geez! I already got it when I went out."

Which was...alarming, considering he went out anyway.

He went back to the game, pointedly ignoring Bunny now.

There was no response Bunny could think of in the moment that wasn't some variation on "that's stupid."

And he couldn't say that, because it was obvious this wasn't about stupidity. It was about feelings, and by that point, Bunny had let his get too raw.

He spared a second to consider if he was leaving because he was giving up or because he had miscalculated, let the conversation get too personal too soon, and decided on leaving. With a tap of his foot, the floor gave out beneath him, and closed up once he was gone.

[LN] [Locked to Mikey and Bunny]

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